Spitting

There are some unglamorous aspects of running. I mean besides the copious sweating, splotchy face and the need for Body Glide. For me, one of those is spitting. I know, eew. (If you're already grossed out, you should stop reading. Like, seriously.) This can be attributed to two things. First, I'm a mouth-breather. I tried to breathe through my nose once. I was gasping so bad, I just ended up getting boogers all over myself. Secondly, I refuse to carry any water with me. It's just too much of a pain. And there's a real lack of people standing along my route with paper cups of water to give me. They set water out for dogs, what about the humans? So, I breath through my mouth and work up a nice, mouthful of foam and then have nothing with which to wash it down. The obvious alternative is to spit. In the many miles I've traveled, I've discovered there are four kinds of spitballs. The Neat Ball This spitball occurs early in a run. You've breathed just enough to work up a mouth full of foam and it's got to go. So, you turn your head, make an O with your mouth and propel the foam outward. And a neat, perfect little ball goes flying through the air to the grass (never, EVER spit on the sidewalk! That's just gross and rude!) And on you continue with your run and your refreshed mouth. The Grenade That refreshed mouth does not stay that way for long, however and soon it's time to clear out again. So you go through the same motions, but much to your surprise, The Neat Ball explodes on it's way out and ridiculous pieces fly everywhere. The key thing about The Grenade is timing. One should always assume The Grenade is appearing (rather than The Neat Ball) and allow enough time for the pieces to land before turning your head back to the front. That's right, shrapnel. And dry-wicking running clothes don't handle spit very well! Correct. I have spit on myself. The Phantom This spitball is typical of longer runs. As your body uses up its internal hydration, it runs out of moisture to make spit. But your mouth can still make bubbles! And trying to spit those bubbles is just plain ridiculous, but oh so necessary! And so you go through the motions, attempt to expel them and then.......nothing. So frustrating! The Head Cold This spitball is horrendous and to be avoided at all costs when running with friends, at races or on the treadmill. Well, you probably shouldn't spit while on the treadmill as a general rule. Murphy's Law of Running states that you will get a head/chest cold exactly two weeks prior to the race that terrifies you most. So basically, you can still run, but you feel like crap and breathing is a joke. Drowning in you're mucous is more accurate. In order to survive to the end, you must get rid of some of that mucous. By spitting. But this is no average spitball. It's a bona fide lougee. And the production isn't pretty, either. All that hacking and gargling. Gross. And then, the worst part, getting rid of it. One time, I actually went through all the prep and then this guy ran by. Totally waited til he was out of sight before I spit it out. That was interesting. But you have to be careful when you spit these out. They tend to have a mind of their own. They sometimes stay neat and land where you aim. Sometimes they explode on the way down and kill small bugs. And sometimes the wind catches them. And blows them back at you. And you don't notice. Until you get home. And realize you've ran five miles with a lougee on your shirt. So, the moral to the story is, if you run with me, stick to the front!